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 Eyes of the Wolves (W.I.P)

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Luna Fang
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Female Join date : 2013-07-27
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PostSubject: Eyes of the Wolves (W.I.P)   Sat Aug 24, 2013 6:14 pm

Chapter One:

A lone howl echoes through the endless forest as Luna called the pack back to the cabin, after the long day of patrol. The only response she got back, however, was a single howl from her pack mate Crystal, who had been ill that morning. With this, she started to walk quickly to the tree line. Crystal soon came out with a slight look of uncertainty.
With a sharp snap of her jaw, Luna looked to Crystal with authority. “Where did they go?!”
Looking back, with a slight shuffle of her paws Crystal responded. “They went to the club, even though you told them not to.”
Luna shook her head and growled lightly at herself for not being able to keep up with her own pack when Hokori was away. Without another word, she ran off to the open garage. As she reached the door, she instantly changed from her wolf form to her human one. There was little noise, except for the slam of the door, as she entered and crossed the room to her motorcycle helmet. She opened the garage door before hopping onto her bike and revving it to life.
As Luna exited the garage a light drizzle started to fall but because she traveled through the trees, she didn’t get wet. To the human eyes the forest is dark and desolate past the bright light of the bike, except when the occasional lighting strike shines through the leaves. Luna’s hair whipped with the constant wind from the wind and the ride to the road. She took a sharp turn to the right as she exited the driveway and leaned on the gas.
Picking up speed, she raced to the edge of town where the club was. Most of her anger was gone by the time she cut off the bike but she had enough fuel to get them a good talking too. With a quick pace in her step she pushed the door open wide and scan the room. Not knowing what was happening, everyone looked at her, even her pack. With a frown on her lips she walked directly to the table, not even noticing others around her. In moments Luna slammed her hands on the table, making the glasses shake. This motion alone told the pack that she was mad.
“Well, what do you have to say for yourselves? Just because Hokori is away, doesn’t mean you can do what you want. I had told you to stay at the cabin, so I expected you to. With this you are not allowed to come back here for a month and you will be on patrol duty more.” Luna letting her anger fuel her words not her fangs. She didn’t want to make too much of a seen. The others said nothing but nodded as they understood.
Roger then pulled out a fifty to cover all the drinks, laying the money on the table as he got up. “Let’s go guys” He said lightly as he looked to Luna before exiting the building.
One by one the others walked by her and nodded softly as they left. Luna then sighed and shook her head lightly before following. By the time she had gone outside, most of the pack had left. Roger walked to her lightly frowning but said nothing, knowing this wasn’t the best time to talk and that he would get his say when they got back. They both cranked the bikes up and drove off, Luna ahead of him. She knew he would stay right behind her.
As they were riding the drizzle had picked up to a steady rain and her hair was fully wet now. With the wind picking up as well she almost didn’t see the deer come out. She came to a screeching halt and Roger lightly hit her bike.  She started growling again as the deer took off and looked to Roger. He just shrugged and they got on their bikes again. Luna let this go and they reached the cabin minutes later.
The others had left the garage door open and so Luna and Roger simply drove their bikes inside. Luna shook her head dry once she was off her bike and gave a look to the others at the door. They then quickly ran inside the house. She turned and hit the switched the control for the door to close. Roger had already went inside by then to get everyone in the living room. She walked silently but with purpose. When she walked into the living room she leaned against the door with her arms crossed. A few where standing but crystal and Roger where siting on the couch.
Just the look Luna gave them explained it all and she didn’t have to say nothing more. She would talk to Hokori when he got back and that would be it. She then simply left the room and headed to the kitchen. Her mind was tired and she was hungry. She grabbed a cup from the shelf on the way to the fridge. When she tried to open the fridge though it stuck and so she had to sit down the glass and tug the door for it to open. She grabbed the tea jug and quickly poured it into the cup. Within another instant, the jug was back in the fridge and the door slammed close. Just as she was sitting down with the cup of tea, Crystal came in and sat down across from her.
“I’m not saying you did, but it seems you over reacted at the club” Crystal says with a simple look. She didn’t like it when the others acted up but she knew that they had to listen to Luna and Hokori.
“Trust me, I did not overreact since what could have happened was much worse. If they patrol as they are supposed to and behave, I may let them go to the club again soon, but only if.” Luna says as she finishes her tea. She then lays her head in her hand. Her hair falls slightly in her face and she sighs. Without another word to Crystal she gets up and puts the cup in the sink and leaves the room.
Luna climbs the stairs slowly and when she reached the top of the stairs she turned to the right. The first door to the left was hers and Hokori’, even though he usually did night patrol. The room was generally simple. A light lavender color but the dresser and the bed were more ancient. She caught her reflection in the mirror and sighed. Her long black hair was a mess and needed brushing. She could also see small rings under her silver eyes, from the lack of sleep. Instead of heading out onto the balcony as she usually does at night, she went straight to bed. A light breeze that came through the balcony doors eased her right to sleep.


Last edited by Luna Fang on Sat Aug 24, 2013 6:15 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Eyes of the Wolves (W.I.P)   Sat Aug 24, 2013 6:15 pm

Chapter Two:

The next morning Luna woke up to bright sunshine from the crack in the curtains. She guessed that Hokori had come back after she had fallen asleep and closed the curtains, since they were all the way open that night. With a yawn she slowly rose, tossing back the blankets in the process. The wood was cool under her feet as she walked to the mirror. What she saw was her silver eyes and tangled black hair. With a slight shake of her head, she pulled out the stool and sat down. She picked up the brush and ran it quickly through her hair. She was glad it looked worse than it really was. With that done she stood up and tried not to trip over the stool, since it happens about every morning.
She slipped out of her room, with the door squeaking softly as she closed it. She passed by many pictures on her way down the hall, many from the present year and some from long ago. But for some reason she always stopped in front of one.
Luna stood with the pack. Hokori smiling widely as they stood outside the cabin the first time. Roger and Crystal held their things in their hands and were impatient to get inside. Kenny was making faces as he set up the camera so Mitchel was laughing and Danny was frowning at him to hurry up.
Luna loved seeing the pack happy but that was a year ago and much had changed. She now wondered how much longer they would stay. Shaking her head once more, she moved passed the picture and continued on to the stairs, but had to stop when Danny and Kenny came running from the opposite hall.
“Slow down! This isn’t a competition.” Luna yells at Denny and Kenny as they went past her. Sadly she had to do this about every morning. They stop instantly and look back to Luna before ‘walking’ down the stairs. Once they hit the bottom they took off again. Luna sighed but continued down the stairs and into the kitchen around the corner.
The scene she walked into was bad, as in worse than normal. Danny and Kenny had run into Crystal, who was fixing pancakes. The pancakes that was in the pan had ended up on the ceiling and Crystal was yelling at them. Roger and Mitchel had their head in their hands but she could still see them laughing.
“Alright, break it up. Kenny and Denny, clean up the mess and Roger help Crystal serve what wasn’t tossed.” Luna said to them with a slight look. She did think it was funny but this wasn’t the time to be laughing.
The others said nothing more but Crystal was still frowning at Kenny and Denny. Soon the plates were served and everyone was at the table, except Hokori. Luna wondered where he was but let it be. Each of them had their job at the cabin and she wasn’t worried to0 much about him.
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Truik

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PostSubject: Re: Eyes of the Wolves (W.I.P)   Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:26 pm

Good stuff! Enjoying the story line so far.

If I may offer some critique:

The most ominous thing I see so far is confusion of a a singular or plural verb in sentences such as "The pancakes that was in the pan had ended up on the ceiling and Crystal was yelling at them." The first thing which comes to mind is to match the plurality and say "The pancakes that WERE in the pan had ended up on the ceiling and Crystal was yelling at them."



Above and beyond this, I also recommend reviewing all of your work, as a regular habit, and condensing it as much as possible while STILL conveying the original meaning of each sentence.

By this, I mean: I would take the sentence...

"The pancakes that were in the pan had ended up on the ceiling and Crystal was yelling at them." and, instead, making it...

"The pancakes from the pan ended up on the ceiling and Crystal was yelling at them."

Or perhaps even...

"The pancakes ended up on the ceiling and Crystal was yelling at them."

Other small grammatical corrections can make a difference. Try to avoid ending sentences with a preposition. For example, the sentence...

"Picking up speed, she raced to the edge of town where the club was."

...can be made into...

"Picking up speed, she raced to the club on the edge of town."



A fresh review of your work may also reveal some standard typos such as "She turned and hit the switched the control for the door to close."

I'm sure you can find the words to correct that. Smile



I know condensing your work can be hard but it makes it so much more effective and enjoyable for the reader in the long run. Another example would be the following paragraph:

"With a quick pace in her step she pushed the door open wide and scan the room. Not knowing what was happening, everyone looked at her, even her pack. With a frown on her lips she walked directly to the table, not even noticing others around her. In moments Luna slammed her hands on the table, making the glasses shake. This motion alone told the pack that she was mad."

If I were allowed to edit your work, I would condense it to...

"With a quick pace, she pushed the door open wide and scan(ned) the room. Everyone was looking at her. With a frown on her lips she walked directly to the table, noticing only her pack. Luna slammed her hands on the table making the glasses shake."

First, a quick pace assumes it is in her step as we already know she is walking. Saying everyone was looking at her should suffice; No need to be redundant by mentioning her pack was looking as well. You may also notice the last line was done away with completely as unnecessary, in my opinion.

Anyway, just some feedback on my behalf and, as always, my opinions should be taken with a grain of salt.

I am enjoying the general premise of the story! Keep the momentum.
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Luna Fang
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PostSubject: Re: Eyes of the Wolves (W.I.P)   Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:36 pm

hank you for the feedback and I will take your advice and adjust it. I also realized with your correction for the pancakes that I didn't mean to make it seem crystal was yelling at the pancakes..lol. I will have to change it so she is yelling at Denny and Kenny. well make that Danny now. I know I have much work to do but with help from folks like you I know I can improve.
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PostSubject: Re: Eyes of the Wolves (W.I.P)   Sun Aug 25, 2013 2:29 pm

Thanks for the response.

I had considered mentioning the issue of the scorned pancakes but also considered the possibility, in her frustration, she had actually yelled at the pancakes. Smile

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PostSubject: Re: Eyes of the Wolves (W.I.P)   Sun Aug 25, 2013 2:40 pm

well it is pretty funny if I keep it like that.
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PostSubject: Re: Eyes of the Wolves (W.I.P)   Thu Aug 29, 2013 4:07 pm

thanks again. i appreciated your opinions. im making necessary changes and will be posting the finished second chapter and more soon.
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PostSubject: Re: Eyes of the Wolves (W.I.P)   Thu Aug 29, 2013 9:48 pm

Looking forward to it. Keep your writer's momentum!

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